The Hidden Side of the Fight

As the saying goes, “wherever you go, there you are.” It is so simple, and yet so profoundly true.

On a superficial level, this quote appears to be stating the obvious. But on a deeper level, it is referring to the myriad ways in which we each individually create our experience through our own unique conditioning and how challenging it can be to transform our habitual patterns of thinking and behavior and see things in a new light. Your stuff will follow you wherever you go. There is no escape from you.

Learning to embrace this as reality is one of the most challenging things a human can do. It is so hard, in fact, that many people resort to fighting with the people they love most rather than willingly accepting their role in a personal challenge.

Fighting tends to come down to a very simple problem, one of communication. Honest, accurate communication between two people requires a deep level of vulnerability on both people’s part, especially in the case of marriage or an intimate partnership. So much of how we think and see the world is born out of trying to protect ourselves from vulnerability rather than feeling it and embracing it. This tendency creates a misleading representation of ourselves to the other, which they can often sense but not name. We unconsciously develop compensation mechanisms in an attempt to keep from exposing the vulnerability. As a result, the other person feels disrespected or pushed away. Now you’ve got a fight on your hands.

Within every fight between two people, there is a vulnerability that is not being addressed. If you slow down and take full responsibility for your experience, a bit of that vulnerability can be exposed, and with that, there is an opportunity to know yourself a little more.

By doing so, you actually get to have the opportunity to work with the vulnerability, rather than letting it work you.